When is it time to let go?

As we were talking about change, both personal and professional, a client said to me, “Julia, I’m always about running toward something; not running away from something.” The quote has stuck with me, and over the last few months, we’ve exchanged examples of moving toward a vision of “self” rather than letting go of a part of oneself. And the more I’ve thought about that perspective on change, I’ve also learned where to challenge it.

Even in my own choices of change, morphing toward something better than my current self, I’ve found the words being repeated in my head: “Are you moving away from something, or moving toward something, Julia?” Actually…

It’s hard to just imagine moving toward something exclusively without the nostalgia and memories of what is being left behind. My husband and I celebrated 31 years of marriage this year, and while we continue to evolve the vision for our marriage, what our older selves will want and need from a partner, and how to keep the marital spark alive after raising kids, the thought of what we had once long ago replaced with the excitement of what’s ahead doesn’t get lost in the clouds of our minds. Years and years of conversations, mistakes, celebrations, and patience have gotten us to this point, and reflecting, and sometimes hanging on to those moments, have actually helped us clarify the vision for the next few years.

My client’s prophetic phrase made me think of the movie The Natural with Robert Redford; the classic story of the once-thought of washed up baseball player who finally makes it to the major leagues after suffering a traumatic setback, being shot in the gut. While Roy Hobbs strives for getting to the big leagues, and does so successfully, yet mysteriously, he tries so hard to run toward that dream and erase the event from his memory, and his image of the future. The embarrassment cripples him, and he is forced to deal with his unhealed wounds in more ways than one. He cannot escape that time of his past, despite seeing the home plate, grand slam home run. There will be sacrifice to him running toward his dreams. 

Where the movie reference really hit home for me was when Hobbs finally pursues his ultimate dream of making the playoffs and healing from his past; the open incision in his gut, reuniting with his long-lost young love, and finding out about his teenaged son, who also loves the game of baseball. What was a movie about trying to erase the pain of a mistake (running away from the past), turned into a story of love and legacy, and learning about the sacrifices of running toward something new.

As a result of my client teaching me this mantra, I’ve incorporated it in a lot of sessions when I see clients are stuck, especially stuck if that thing ends up coming into our conversations again and again. Questions like:

• What are you hanging on to?

• Is this worth hanging on to in the long run?

• What are you willing to let go of?

• What is there to let go of?

• If you let go of that today, what will it free you to do?

Each time, the response has been a pause, a "thinker" to really understand why being so handcuffed to this thing, situation, person, feeling, thought, continues to resurface again and again.

With a different client struggling with a family situation, I asked what he was willing to let go of, and his immediate response was, “Nothing.” I mean, not even a blink or swallow to give it time to sink in. So, I engaged him, repeating, “Nothing?” just to make sure he could hear those same words come from me. A shake of the head, “Nope.” But as our conversation went on, I learned why he was so committed to staying firm about his issue when what he was holding on to was the responsibility of someone else to make a decision; he recognized the reason he didn’t want to let go of that responsibility was because it wasn’t his to let go of in the first place. He needed his partner to let go, and then he could release his own burden.

When we think about change in any context, in order to see something new on our plate, we have to take something off of it. There is no such things as a side plate to hold on to things we should ideally throw away, or not pay attention to anymore.

Another example is when clients come to me wanting to pursue a career change or promotion, or address the realization that they are unhappy in their role for a variety of reasons. I probe and clarify what they thought their current role should be, and what expectations are misaligned.

"What are you missing from your current role that you believe another one will fill?"

I often find that it’s not that the plate is too full, or that the role isn't fulfilling, but what’s on the plate, which is sometimes old, outdated, molded over, or not relevant anymore. But they can’t seem to let go of it.

In truth, people are looking to run away from something they are facing in that moment, or in that season of time. They cannot see past today to run toward something else, so it’s easier to hallucinate something into being without taking a microscope for what currently is. And it’s easier to keep the plate full in the hopes that something will look appealing again. But I’m hear to say, it won’t, so what do we do about that?

One of the characters in The Natural, played by Glenn Close, Hobbs’ first love, says, “I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that.” If chasing something means going toward the life we live with, it’s important we learn with the other life ahead of it, which means staying present to realize what we’re learning, and how that ends up shaping the life we live with. In the end, we will have to let go of something for the sake of that future life. The trick is knowing the best time, the right time, to let go.

 “I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that.”